Brigitta & Christian Hoeferle-Dynamic Duo: Video automatically transcribed by Sonix

Brigitta & Christian Hoeferle-Dynamic Duo: this mp4 video file was automatically transcribed by Sonix with the best speech-to-text algorithms. This transcript may contain errors.

Brigitta Hoeferle:
How many times have you said to yourself, I'm going to succeed? And yet you keep coming up short. You probably noticed that high achievers with heart. Do things differently, but you just can't put your finger on it. You're curious about why? High achievers accomplish more and have more satisfying relationships. It's because success is the result of your mindset and the consistent actions you take. This show is designed with your success in mind by revealing these powerful patterns of our dynamic individuals and guest experts. You can model what they do and apply to your future success now. Let's roll up our sleeves and get started. My name is Brigitta Hoeferle and this is the Success Patterns Show. And that is right. Welcome, everyone, to the Success Pattern Show, where we hand out golden nuggets. Success patterns are more valuable than ideas. Let me explain. Ideas, while very powerful, require trial and error and a lot of time to put into action. Just think about it. Manufacturing First you have an idea, then proof of concept, then a working prototype, then small production batches, and finally full scale production. This can take months, maybe even years. And you probably have met some people who are collectors of ideas, but they do little else. Forget everything you've heard about ideas. You're not looking for ideas. You are looking for success patterns. Success patterns are different. Success patterns are better. Why? Well, success patterns are proven. Have a logical sequence of steps to follow, have an action imperative and deliver consistent results. In this content rich program, you're going to learn valuable success patterns. And we have a very special guest today because this is the couples edition and you already see him here with me, my husband, Christian Hefele. Hey. Hey. Thank you for being here. Thank you for making time.

Christian Hoeferle:
Thank you to you for making time.

Brigitta Hoeferle:
Thanks to you guys for making time. And last in our last couples edition, we asked you what questions do you have? What questions come up when you see or hear or think about Brigitta and Christian who fled. And some of you actually send in some questions. And in our last week's training that we co-facilitated more questions came up. So we want to address some of those questions. We're not going to address all of them. There's just not enough time and not today. And we're going to have more couples additions in the upcoming months. So we're going to address some. And before we do that, Christian, we like I already said, we co-hosted and trained an NLP practitioner course last week with yet another incredible group of people. Yeah. And I kind of sound like a broken record because they all, you know, sound. It's a beautiful song. It's okay. It is a beautiful song because they're all incredible people that come to our practitioner course. And last week was yet another very unique group of individuals. And they asked us. How do you live together, Work together, have children together, have a household together, You know, take care of the dog together, do your finances together, and still have time to go on vacation and and have love and and be together and be and be together and have a romantic relationship?

Christian Hoeferle:
Well, parts of that is self-explanatory because we are together and we live together. That's how the children together happen. Uh huh. That that I think is a given. And these questions usually keep coming up during our courses, our coursework when we have couple participants. And we actually encourage this, not every one of our participants is in a committed relationship. However, if they are, we usually encourage them to bring their significant other, to bring their life partner spouse to the course so they have the same experience so they can work through these patterns, these success patterns together. And very often we that topic comes up. So how do you guys how long have you been together? How do you make it work? Have you always been, uh, we talked about this last time, that term power couple, which I don't really like very much yet, but we are. Yes, by definition, I that's not the terminology we use for ourselves. Right? We are a husband and wife duo who have our strengths and our not so strong features and we complement each other on those. And we do the best to work on our not so strong features, sometimes individually, more often together. And during the time that we've been together, we haven't always been the quote unquote power couple. There were times when we had some stuff going on that needed to be resolved. It I'm skeptical of this. Always happy, always powerful, harmonious couple time. I have yet to meet couples who have been like that all their relationship right. It takes work. It's not something that comes handed to you in a on a silver platter. Yeah.

Brigitta Hoeferle:
And I want to tap into and I want to go deeper into what you just said. And I want to tap into the fact that we have a lot of couples that take this so incredibly powerful communication training together. And as they're taking it together and we've seen this many times over, it's like, you know, the little light bulbs that come up, they have like little light bulbs come up or sometimes they're like, you know, they're kind of elbowing each other in class and they're like, ah.

Christian Hoeferle:
That's where my bruises come from.

Brigitta Hoeferle:
Yeah, whatever.

Christian Hoeferle:
No, it's oh, this is who we are or this is, this happens to us too, or this is what's going on when we have this situation. So it helps them pull back some of the layers of the communication that becomes so automatic in relationships. We are not necessarily intentional and conscious of our sometimes supportive patterns. And when he patterns.

Brigitta Hoeferle:
And I'm sorry and when he says. We, he doesn't mean we.

Christian Hoeferle:
He says he means you as couples. Right? So how do we develop routines and autopilot behaviors that are sometimes resourceful and successful patterns and sometimes not so successful patterns?

Brigitta Hoeferle:
So when you said autopilot, Right. I think we're we are all and I'm not I'm including myself in us. We all are sometimes going in a by a default kind of behavior that might serve might have served us at some point in our lives, but it might be in the way, especially when we're in a relationship and it might keep coming up. But when we don't have the lenses, when we're not aware of what's going on in our communication and our behavior, then how the heck are we supposed to change it? And you know, Christina and I have we've been together now for a long time. Uh, uh, Christian is a lot better than I am with years and dates and things like that.

Christian Hoeferle:
It's okay to stop counting after 20.

Brigitta Hoeferle:
That's right. That's right. And. When we were first together. It wasn't always. Pretty. It wasn't always easy. It wasn't all pause right there.

Christian Hoeferle:
You were always pretty.

Brigitta Hoeferle:
Thank you. Thank you.

Christian Hoeferle:
It There is sand in the gearbox. If you this day Yeah to this day there's crunch moments where we look at each other and now we know. Okay, somebody was unresourceful in the way they did or said something happens. Hello. It's not about being perfect. There is no perfect. You strive for perfection. So how do you have it all? Well, good question. How do you have it all? What is all right, What do you want to put in that basket of having it all? So I'm very reluctant to accept this, this label that whether it be power couple or. Oh, you guys have it all. Yeah, that's nonsense, because you wash.

Brigitta Hoeferle:
Up. Before you go into the nonsense. What is all so people and we hear this often it's not to toot our own horn, but we often hear, well, Bergita and Christian, when we look at you, you have it all. You have the house and the real estate and the investments and the and the children and the dog and the time and the vacation and the fun and the. Success and the handsome husband and. The handsome husband and the. Gray hair. Pretty wife. Stop it. So. Yeah, it may appear to you or it may sound to you that we have it all and maybe we do have it all. And I'm pretty sure that you have it all, too. And it takes.

Christian Hoeferle:
Well work. And commitment. So whatever you define as all what you put in your basket of all is your definition. It doesn't have to be this or that. It is what you as a couple define as having it, whatever it is. All And we've put together a list. No, it's not a list. It's more of a an inventory of of aspects you might want to consider. When. Yes.

Brigitta Hoeferle:
How about it's a scaffolding? It's my favorite. Love it. A scaffold. It's a it's a scaffold. This is for April Louis. It's a scaffold. And we talked about scaffold and scaffolding last week in class. Um. Quite, quite a lot intensively.

Christian Hoeferle:
So a scaffold to to the building that is your relationship, right. Imagine you're building your relationship is an edifice that is still being constructed as you mature together, as you build your relationship and make it more solid in order to build that building solid, robust, maybe high or wide, however you want to build it, you're going to need a scaffolding around it to work on it from the outside and the inside. Right? So we nice metaphor. I like it. So we're going to put together a scaffolding for you, for the relationships that have it all. You fill your own basket and we collected.

Brigitta Hoeferle:
Well, hold on now you're now you're kind of changing metaphors. You build your own house.

Christian Hoeferle:
You build your own house. Thank you.

Brigitta Hoeferle:
Because scaffolding, you need a basket shaped house. A basket shaped house. Okay.

Christian Hoeferle:
So with with aspects, with features, with elements that we have learned are critical for building a robust relationship and we're not going to touch upon them all in one episode. That will be a very long episode and not sure if you would stay awake through this. So we decided to pick from this scaffold to show you building blocks of the scaffolding over a series of episodes that will put some light on that. What what will be helpful to build that relationship.

Brigitta Hoeferle:
Now, let's talk about the scaffold real quick. Well, or the scaffolding. A scaffolding is made of individual scaffolds. That means it's made of individual pieces. And these pieces are someone said in class the other day, imagine a a oversize ladder. I mean, that's a very good visual to call a scaffolding. And and there's no one right way to put a scaffolding together with each individual pieces of the scaffold. So you can take, you know, the the big long piece and connect it to a shorter piece that connects to a platform that you can stand on to connect it to another piece, because each individual relationship is different, just like each individual house is probably different because, you know, we're not we're not building a cookie cutter, a cookie cutter subdivision relationship. We're we're you guys are creating a different relationship than we have because you're unique individuals. So the beautiful thing about the different types of scaffolds that we're giving you in the upcoming episodes, you can take them as needed. There is not one right way to build a relationship.

Christian Hoeferle:
And and yet there are some elements that we will consider crucial.

Brigitta Hoeferle:
I think all of the elements are considered crucial. Some of them are non-negotiable. Yeah. Imagine if you would miss some of the screws in a scaffolding. I don't think that would be that would be safe.

Christian Hoeferle:
Let's start with one.

Brigitta Hoeferle:
Okay. What's one.

Christian Hoeferle:
Yeah. Start from the top. Start from the beginning.

Brigitta Hoeferle:
Start from the very beginning. Well formed outcomes. How many of you have ever heard about well-formed outcomes? Now, if you've been in our training, if you've been in our courses, you have heard about well-formed outcomes. Many times over. A well-formed outcome is like what a goal on steroids? It's a it's a very clearly and specifically defined goal. This is what I want and this is what you want. So in a relationship, it's not just what I want. And yet we've seen many relationships where it's like, but I want that. And then the other partner in the relationship goes, Well, but I want something different. So let's start where individuals.

Christian Hoeferle:
Fail to define well-formed outcomes. And I noticed this for myself as I. Developed as a human being. I wasn't always very successful in defining what my goals are. My goals were very often undefined or not well defined dreams, visions of something that I would like to have at some point in my life. There was no deadline to it. There was no steps that I would like to take to accomplish that goal. There was no list or inventory of what will I have, what will be my benefits of accomplishing it? What will be the detriments I will suffer from not reaching my goal. None of the building blocks of a well-formed outcome were there. So it starts with having well-formed outcomes for yourself before you can define common well-formed outcomes. Right? So this is where relationships often struggle in the beginning because you're bringing two sets of goals together that want to be aligned. And if they aren't, then you're going to have you're going to drive on two separate lanes, perhaps on two different highways and wondering how we're going to get together.

Brigitta Hoeferle:
So when when when you were talking about when you didn't have well-formed outcomes defined, what was the detriment? Like what was what was the pain that you suffered, if you will?

Christian Hoeferle:
The pain was not reaching the goal because there was no actionable consequence, which.

Brigitta Hoeferle:
Meant.

Christian Hoeferle:
Frustration.

Brigitta Hoeferle:
Which meant.

Christian Hoeferle:
Depending on the goal, either.

Brigitta Hoeferle:
No success.

Christian Hoeferle:
Financial success, Yeah no success.

Brigitta Hoeferle:
So, so, so. Lack of success. So when you have a well-formed outcome, you actually now know how to get there.

Christian Hoeferle:
And you know what success will be like, right? Like we said earlier. What is it to have it all? That it is your success, right? That if you don't know what that will be, what it what it will look like, what it will sound like, what it will feel like, how you will think about having it or achieving it. If you don't know what that is, you'll never reach it anyway.

Brigitta Hoeferle:
So it's almost like, you know, you have as an individual, you have your own well-formed outcomes. As a couple you have defined, you have combined well-formed outcomes. So it's I like to call it, you know, imagine a dart and imagine a target that you throw the dart towards or to into the red circle into the middle. Now you add another hand that's throwing the dart. That makes it a little bit more challenging. I'm not sure if.

Christian Hoeferle:
It's going to reach the disk, the the wall at all if we throw it like that.

Brigitta Hoeferle:
So when when we take the time to listen to each other and we take the time to first each individual define well, you know, for our for our relationships, for for our relationship, this is what I envision. And then you find out, well, your partner's envisioning something completely different. Then you got to figure out for the ones that have been in our training, you got to find out, is there an ecological consideration? Does it make sense to continue? And and and if you say, yes, absolutely, we love each other, then where can you meet? Sometimes you meet in the middle, sometimes you compromise and you come further over here or you compromise. And this person comes further over here.

Christian Hoeferle:
I'm not sure if I like the word compromise in this context. Compromise often sounds like I'm giving up something of my own.

Brigitta Hoeferle:
Right?

Christian Hoeferle:
Okay. So I think defining well-formed outcomes is a couple doesn't have to be a compromise. And if you haven't been part of our training courses and you're still wondering, what the hell are they talking about? Well, from outcomes, I'm sure you did an episode on the show about well-formed outcomes and maybe there is probably a show that you have archived on your YouTube channel for sure, and we'll put that link in the comment box underneath that will give you some more meat on the bone. On how to define well-formed outcomes. Now when I say this compromise, yes or no, maybe sometimes yes. I think if you can combine your ideas about the Welcome outcome, it may not have to be something you give up of your own wishes and desires. It may actually add to the well-formedness of the outcome. Oh, you want this to be part of this and I want that and that together would make it even better. Yeah, let's do that. And it takes two of us to accomplish that because I by myself, would have never thought of including your piece because I wouldn't have the resources to do that. Now we're together. We are throwing both our weight and our force and our resources behind it. Now we can reach an outcome that is way above the one that I had before for myself. So. Forget for a second about the compromise. There will be situations when you're well-formed. Outcome as a couple will be a compromise. It doesn't have to be that way all the time. And in my experience and our experience, it wasn't a compromise every time. Now, once you have defined what your well-formed outcome is. Then you have what?

Brigitta Hoeferle:
An agreement? Yes.

Christian Hoeferle:
You can shake hands as a couple. We typically don't do this. We only do this on camera. Our agreement looks different. That's not camera ready. You have to have an agreement. Without an agreement, the well-formed outcome will fizzle away because there is no accountability. An agreement means if one of us, both of us aren't delivering on the incremental steps, then the outcome is in jeopardy. Right? So the agreement means we hold each other accountable. We have we agree on the language because the words we choose for a well-formed outcome is what shapes our thoughts and minds and feelings about it. We choose the way we hold each other accountable. We choose the timing together. We choose the allocation of resources. All of this are part of an agreement.

Brigitta Hoeferle:
So when when you say that we're accountability partners because often and that takes that takes practice, that takes fine tuning to be accountability partners that are also sharing a bed because that can that can go sideways or even south pretty quick. So making an agreement just around the accountability, what that looks, sounds and feels like to not overstep the boundaries of that the other person becomes resentful or becomes angry. That is an when when you're in a relationship and you've made you've set the well-formed outcomes, you probably wrote them down. Maybe you even have minutes that you are putting down when you have a meeting. Some of some of us do that. Then you agree on how are you holding each other accountable? And if it's not completely agreed upon how you hold each other accountable, that's a confirmation and the feedback that you want to do a better job in communicating with each other, what that accountability looks like.

Christian Hoeferle:
You said you would have this done by Friday. No. Thought this was next week. Friday. Uh.

Brigitta Hoeferle:
Well, first. Of all, the tonality just completely threw me off. Right. And you probably would be thrown off by. Well, we weren't clear on which Friday. So often relationships. I would, I would argue 80% of of relationships fail because we're deleting, distorting and generalizing information when we communicate with each other and and we think that well, you can read my mind so I don't have to spill, I don't have to spell out everything. But then you put in what you were thinking in the moment. And I was thinking, well, he's going to put in he's going to fill in the blanks of what I was thinking. Well, that puts a lot of pressure on you. Are you a mind reader?

Christian Hoeferle:
Not yet. I'm still working on that.

Brigitta Hoeferle:
And neither am. I. And neither are you. And you shouldn't be.

Christian Hoeferle:
So. A essential building block of your scaffolding is clean, nonviolent, elegant, efficient communication for yourself and your partner. And it's interesting how much work that takes for some of us. I know for sure it took me a lot of work to improve the efficiency of my communication. And I think you've talked about this on your program before. It bears repeating our message, making the way we verbalize or not only verbalize how we send messages out of ourselves from our brain, out into the world is the words that we use. You hear us speaking words in a certain sequence. You also hear us speaking words in a certain tonality. So I am now choosing a fairly assertive, constructive tone of voice. I could also whisper it to you and maybe talk to you in this tone of voice, but that wouldn't help us in this scenario and could also scream it at the screen, which probably would turn you off as well. So tonality plays a huge role in this as well. And then you see me moving my head around in my hand and my shoulders are moving. And even though you only see maybe a quarter of my body, my body, my eyes, my wrinkles on my forehead, my head tilt my mouth, corner birgitta's head nod or head shake or smile. All of this communicates message as well. So we have a lot of nonverbal parts of our communication. So we have words, tonality and body language that creates message making and as a couple in a relationship. I know I often misread what Brigitta sent to me as a message. I also know that the messages that I send were not received by her the way I intended to. And guess what? It still happens.

Brigitta Hoeferle:
And you said something earlier. It's hard. Work working on yourself. Is hard. But not working on yourself is hard too.

Christian Hoeferle:
It's actually harder because the outcome is success missing success. So I don't like that.

Brigitta Hoeferle:
So it makes it doesn't make the relationship just harder, the communication. It makes your entire life and hard and it and it it it kind of eats on your on the quality of life. And I don't, I don't I choose not to have that kind of hard I choose to have the and I don't see it as hard anymore. I don't know how you are Christian. In the beginning.

Christian Hoeferle:
It was definitely a challenge. Now we've we've developed a practice amongst the two of us that allows us to not see it as work. It's something that becomes a continuous practice and sometimes we need to remind ourselves or need to remind. I need to remind myself, we remind each other to continue the practice. Sometimes I fall out of a best practice. Sometimes you do. Sometimes we do simultaneously.

Brigitta Hoeferle:
And I'm pretty sure you you. Experienced the same.

Christian Hoeferle:
And the beauty is we recognize it and you recognize it too. Once you know what to look for and what to listen to and how to feel that out there is a way to to be able to do that. So the awareness is the first part. The awareness is what's hard because you become aware of something you've been doing that was non-supportive realizing that for yourself individually or as a couple might be a bit painful in the beginning, and that overcoming that piece is fantastic because you go from this unconscious incompetence of being a couple to becoming this kind of painful. Now I'm conscious of how incompetent we've been up until now. Yuck. Okay, that's hard. And now that's really hard. That's the hard that's where that's the part where people often fall off the wagon and Yeah and fall off the scaffold and walk down that ladder and say, I'm done with this construction site.

Brigitta Hoeferle:
Or they just stay and they just kind of, you know, hang their feet down from the scaffolding and just kind of look around. Yeah, let's leave.

Christian Hoeferle:
It that way. It's good enough that way.

Brigitta Hoeferle:
That's that's that's not just hard. I'm sorry. From where I'm standing. That's horrible. Who would want to live like that?

Christian Hoeferle:
It wouldn't work for us. So. So we went from unconscious incompetence of being in a good relationship to being consciously incompetent, looking at yourself like, Dang it, that's not the way we want it to be. That's what the hard part comes. The fantastic thing is if if you choose to continue here, you come to the next level, which is the conscious competence and you realize, dang it, look at us. We're doing better at this. This is how we resolve this issue without a fight or see how this is making us happier And the people around us, our kids in that scenario are not frustrated with us. Fantastic. And the the goal essentially is to reach a level of unconscious competence where you're not even actively thinking about how you're doing it. Right. There will be, in my experience, might be different for you or for you. Sometimes I notice ourselves stepping down to the conscious competence. That's where the awareness comes in is like, Yeah, dang it, we could have said this better, or this is how we fell back into a pattern that we've had a couple of years ago that wasn't supportive. Let's, let's be better about this. And the beauty is what I said a minute ago is recognizing it, having the ability and the awareness to recognize it. When you screw it up because you have the tools, you know how to do better. And that's human. We are not robots. We're not perfect. We we we have peaks and we have days when we are not as resourceful and we do the best we can with the resources at any given moment. And there are days when we're not in top shape.

Brigitta Hoeferle:
It happens. Well, even. Then, when we're not in top shape, we also, like you just said, there's the awareness, there's the realization that when we constantly learn, when we constantly evolve, we're not staying at that. We're not staying at the peak of this one mountain. We're it's a plateau. And then we can move on. We can continue to learn, and suddenly another peak will open up so that that that unconscious competence in that one area stays. And then we continue to learn and grow and we become consciously competent or we become aware that we might be unconsciously incompetent. And now, now that I know that I kind of suck at this, I want to work on that. And I don't.

Christian Hoeferle:
Know. So. A lot of stuff. Let me rewind the tape. So first of all, you want to become aware of your own behavioral patterns that will take some work. And the sooner you start on that, the better. You know, there's multiple ways to do this. We're telling you this because we want to open that door to you. We want to show you, hey, this is where you can go and these are where other resources will be for you. Have well-formed outcomes individually and of course, jointly define what is your well-formed outcome. As a result of that definition of being in alignment with these joint well-formed outcomes are create agreements. However you document those for yourselves. We write them down. You you do you have agreements that are solid, that are specific. Specific. Thank you very much. That are explicitly stated in positives. Right? It's not. Yeah. We don't want to fight anymore. That's not saying a positive. The desire, the desired outcome is we live in harmony and balance. You stated in a positive. You collect that and you come to an agreement, document the agreement that is the basis of your accountability with one another. This is how you look at each other in the face and jointly in the mirror. Or we are now looking at a camera, seeing ourselves. This is how you face up to yourself. And thirdly. You take and we didn't talk about this yet. But the third piece is.

Brigitta Hoeferle:
We're going to talk about that next week. Oh, cliffhanger. Um, for some of you, we had someone in class the other day and they were having a hard time with the accountability. Um, if. You have a hard time and it becomes more of an issue between the two of you, get someone that will mediate. Get someone that will take over the accountability until you can find a place and time and a way to communicate with each other to to do. Hold yourself accountable. It doesn't have.

Christian Hoeferle:
To be mediation. It could be a third party that is Yeah.

Brigitta Hoeferle:
Not your children.

Christian Hoeferle:
Know.

Brigitta Hoeferle:
And not your mother. Or father either.

Christian Hoeferle:
Or in-laws. Maybe a best man might be that maybe. Or a coach, a bridesmaid or a coach. That could be the same person, by the way. Um, to have somebody that is Switzerland, that is neutral, that has no that has no skin in the game of your relationship, Right? So immediate relatives and in-laws are usually not a good choice for that.

Brigitta Hoeferle:
Yeah agree. So we we talked about well-formed outcomes in agreements. We're going to continue on the scaffolding the next time we have our couples edition in a few weeks. So stay tuned for that. Make sure that you tune in again for the ones that are looking for the checklist of the scaffolding. Simply send me an email. Brigitta and hopefully you see the name right here. Brigitta. Brigitta at h o e f e r e.com. Just send me a quick email in the subject line scaffolding and then I'll know what you need and we will send you the scaffolding checklist. Until then, thank you for tuning in. Thank you, Christian, for being here and thank you for talking about well-formed outcomes and agreements. See you for the Success Pattern Show, not the couples edition Success pattern Show. Next week. Same time. Same place. Thank you for tuning in and you will notice opportunities to apply success patterns daily while eagerly anticipating next week's content rich success patterns.

Sonix is the world’s most advanced automated transcription, translation, and subtitling platform. Fast, accurate, and affordable.

Automatically convert your mp4 files to text (txt file), Microsoft Word (docx file), and SubRip Subtitle (srt file) in minutes.

Sonix has many features that you'd love including upload many different filetypes, world-class support, automated subtitles, share transcripts, and easily transcribe your Zoom meetings. Try Sonix for free today.